1 00:00:03,597 --> 00:00:05,754 - Hey, Nick? - (whispers) Shh, I'm reading. 2 00:00:05,765 --> 00:00:07,927 - Can you just give me a second? - What do you want this time?! 3 00:00:07,938 --> 00:00:10,045 So, I'm... I'm pitching on the sponge account today. 4 00:00:10,056 --> 00:00:11,437 It's kind of a... it's kind of a big deal. 5 00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:14,544 I'm just wondering why my idea notebook is covered in crimson stains. 6 00:00:14,559 --> 00:00:15,900 Oh, that's a fair question. 7 00:00:15,908 --> 00:00:17,275 It's either Sloppy Joes, or it's blood. 8 00:00:19,646 --> 00:00:21,113 (groans) 9 00:00:23,054 --> 00:00:25,198 You unbelievable pig person! 10 00:00:25,208 --> 00:00:28,282 You giant, fat pig person! You sloth. 11 00:00:28,297 --> 00:00:30,392 You should be living in a tree in Costa Rica, you know that? 12 00:00:30,401 --> 00:00:32,435 Hi, guys. Um, have either of you seen the French press? 13 00:00:32,453 --> 00:00:35,310 The French press is in cupboard 64B. Did you not consult your item map? 14 00:00:35,323 --> 00:00:37,235 No, I looked there. The Tagine's in 64B. 15 00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:40,459 What is the Tagine doing in 64 frickin' B?! 16 00:00:40,475 --> 00:00:42,041 I used the French press. 17 00:00:42,049 --> 00:00:43,782 Everybody chill out. So it's in here somewhere. 18 00:00:43,791 --> 00:00:45,758 Nick, you know you're not allowed to use the French press. 19 00:00:45,768 --> 00:00:47,434 I use it to get the pulp out of my juice. 20 00:00:47,443 --> 00:00:48,876 So just give me one second, I'll find it. 21 00:00:48,884 --> 00:00:50,417 (chuckles): Hold on. Oh, yeah. 22 00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:52,659 I wasn't looking for it, but I found my pulp bowl. 23 00:00:52,671 --> 00:00:55,758 That is a crystal candy bowl filled with orange goop. 24 00:00:55,772 --> 00:00:58,092 I don't need to sit here and take this! I'm going to my study. 25 00:00:58,104 --> 00:01:00,032 You are gonna get back here and clean your room, mister! 26 00:01:00,042 --> 00:01:03,571 - JESS: Guys, I still need the French press. - Winston, I need my study corner! 27 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,833 No, not after last time. 28 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,888 Hey, Winnie! You know there's an Albany in California? 29 00:01:14,569 --> 00:01:17,428 (chuckles): Well, hello, Winston Bishop. 30 00:01:17,442 --> 00:01:19,454 I towel-burned my unders. 31 00:01:19,464 --> 00:01:21,282 Well, I just prairie-dogged thanks to you guys. 32 00:01:21,291 --> 00:01:23,611 Stop fighting! Now the bathroom stinks for no reason. 33 00:01:23,623 --> 00:01:25,653 You happy, Schmidt? You just scared Coach's poop! 34 00:01:25,663 --> 00:01:28,590 No, I'm not happy. I'm poor, and I'm living in a filthy thimble. 35 00:01:28,604 --> 00:01:31,121 I've gone from riches to rags. It's reverse Annie. 36 00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:33,567 Oh, spoiler alert. Now you just ruined Annie. 37 00:01:33,881 --> 00:01:36,499 (men arguing) 38 00:01:36,512 --> 00:01:37,799 JESS: Guys, chill out! 39 00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:39,834 Schmidt, your people have been selling sponges 40 00:01:39,845 --> 00:01:42,349 since the days of Abraham. You got this. 41 00:01:42,361 --> 00:01:44,992 Nick, the pulp bowl is real gross. Tighten up. 42 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:48,622 Most importantly, my dad is coming with his new girlfriend, 43 00:01:48,639 --> 00:01:50,068 and I need the French press. 44 00:01:50,076 --> 00:01:53,387 - Oh, 64B. The Tagine is in 64B. - 64B is occupied! 45 00:01:55,197 --> 00:01:57,515 Uh, he said the Tagine is in 64B. 46 00:01:57,526 --> 00:01:59,026 It stinks in there! What did you do?! 47 00:01:59,035 --> 00:02:00,368 You kill an animal?! 48 00:02:01,135 --> 00:02:02,920 Who's that girl 49 00:02:02,930 --> 00:02:05,080 Who's that girl? It's Jess. 50 00:02:05,199 --> 00:02:07,964 sync and corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com 51 00:02:10,903 --> 00:02:13,128 How long before you unleash holy hell on your dad's new girlfriend? 52 00:02:13,139 --> 00:02:15,379 I want to make sure I got a good seat and plenty of snacks. 53 00:02:15,391 --> 00:02:18,494 Okay, Cecilia, look, I know I've been a little bit hard 54 00:02:18,509 --> 00:02:20,142 on my dad's girlfriends in the past... 55 00:02:20,150 --> 00:02:23,226 I know you stole my dad's credit card, Margot. 56 00:02:23,241 --> 00:02:24,999 Hit the damn road. 57 00:02:25,008 --> 00:02:26,007 I don't have a car. 58 00:02:26,260 --> 00:02:27,760 (whispers): Find one. 59 00:02:28,795 --> 00:02:31,692 I was the one who had to pick up the pieces when his heart got broken. 60 00:02:31,706 --> 00:02:33,323 Besides, to hear my dad talk, 61 00:02:33,331 --> 00:02:36,679 it sounds like he has really found someone who... 62 00:02:36,695 --> 00:02:37,834 is good for him. 63 00:02:38,394 --> 00:02:39,360 Ha! 64 00:02:39,649 --> 00:02:41,340 And you believe that? 65 00:02:41,349 --> 00:02:44,144 Your dad has terrible taste in women. 66 00:02:44,158 --> 00:02:45,663 That's why I love him so much. 67 00:02:45,671 --> 00:02:48,169 Remember the one who pretended to be a paraplegic? 68 00:02:48,591 --> 00:02:50,955 - Get up! - I can't! 69 00:02:52,176 --> 00:02:53,806 Oh, whatever. 70 00:02:54,428 --> 00:02:57,065 That's the last one I met, and I'm lucky he's letting me meet this one. 71 00:02:57,078 --> 00:03:00,255 So, what? You're just gonna be nice to her? No fireworks? No show? 72 00:03:00,270 --> 00:03:03,026 I'm gonna be nice to her no matter who she is. 73 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,983 - Then what the hell am I doing here? - (knocking) 74 00:03:04,993 --> 00:03:06,226 Oh. 75 00:03:06,964 --> 00:03:09,843 - Hey, sweetie. Hi. Hi. - Hi, Daddy. 76 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,707 Gee, I'm sorry we're late, 77 00:03:11,716 --> 00:03:14,425 you know, but we saw Seal at the airport. 78 00:03:14,438 --> 00:03:17,084 We talked to him for 20 minutes, got his autograph. 79 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,563 - Wasn't him. - No. 80 00:03:19,010 --> 00:03:21,744 - Anyway, this is Ashley. - Hi. 81 00:03:24,909 --> 00:03:28,846 I think, um, we went to high school... together. 82 00:03:28,865 --> 00:03:32,436 - You went to high school together! - We went to high school together! 83 00:03:32,452 --> 00:03:34,541 Julie Berkman's older sister Ashley? 84 00:03:34,552 --> 00:03:36,519 - That's me. - (Cece laughs) 85 00:03:36,529 --> 00:03:39,003 Is this fun or what? (laughs) 86 00:03:42,653 --> 00:03:44,169 (whispering): Oh, my God! 87 00:03:44,178 --> 00:03:47,479 (whispering): Your dad is dating Trashley Berkman? 88 00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:50,017 - Didn't she... ? - Yes. She sexually intercoursed 89 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,598 my high school boyfriend George Jiang underneath the bleachers. 90 00:03:52,610 --> 00:03:54,983 - While you were sitting... - Yes! While I was sitting on those bleachers. 91 00:03:54,995 --> 00:03:56,884 Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece? 92 00:03:56,894 --> 00:04:00,119 It's horrible. That's why God thinks it's a sin. 93 00:04:00,134 --> 00:04:03,460 Also, Trashley gave him giardia in his belly ring. 94 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:06,411 Giardia is a river disease. She had river mouth. 95 00:04:06,425 --> 00:04:08,423 Wasn't George Jiang, like, six-11? 96 00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:10,931 Yeah. They called him George Jiang the Giardia Giant, 97 00:04:10,944 --> 00:04:13,210 and I never got to hold him in my arms. 98 00:04:13,221 --> 00:04:14,693 What are you gonna do?! 99 00:04:15,686 --> 00:04:17,753 Uh... 100 00:04:17,906 --> 00:04:19,773 Uh... nothing. 101 00:04:19,935 --> 00:04:21,835 I'm gonna be sweet and kind and supportive. 102 00:04:22,309 --> 00:04:24,473 Look, peop-peop... people change. 103 00:04:24,484 --> 00:04:26,646 People change. It's been 15 years. 104 00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:29,483 - She had sex with our DARE officer! - No way. 105 00:04:29,497 --> 00:04:32,578 There were rumors flying around about every damn one. 106 00:04:32,593 --> 00:04:33,406 (chuckles) 107 00:04:33,411 --> 00:04:36,597 - You remember the rumor about me? What? - Oh, that you shaved your chin? 108 00:04:37,191 --> 00:04:38,628 Was that was the rumor about me? 109 00:04:38,636 --> 00:04:40,970 - That was the rumor. - No. It was... 110 00:04:41,271 --> 00:04:43,012 definitely sexier than that. 111 00:04:43,813 --> 00:04:46,150 Thank you guys for coming. It's really helpful that you're here. 112 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:48,305 I'm trying to get my boss to give me the new account. 113 00:04:48,481 --> 00:04:51,385 I just have to figure out how to sell sponges to men. 114 00:04:51,399 --> 00:04:54,429 What do I have? I have a blood-stained idea notebook 115 00:04:54,444 --> 00:04:55,863 filled with terrible ideas. 116 00:04:56,215 --> 00:04:58,581 - I don't know what to do, you guys. - Damn it! 117 00:04:59,095 --> 00:05:01,584 "Spongey make wipey." I like that. 118 00:05:01,596 --> 00:05:02,898 Okay, please. I don't have a lot of time. 119 00:05:02,905 --> 00:05:04,663 This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna say the word "sponge", 120 00:05:04,673 --> 00:05:07,106 and you guys are gonna say the first word that pops 121 00:05:07,118 --> 00:05:09,048 into your head, okay? Ready, one, two, three. Sponge. 122 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:09,838 - Sponge! - Yellow. 123 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:10,762 - Sponge. - That was mine. 124 00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:13,035 Okay, let's just try this. We're gonna try this one more time. 125 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,745 Okay? Just clear your head, okay? 126 00:05:14,754 --> 00:05:16,189 So I'm gonna say the word, and you're gonna say 127 00:05:16,197 --> 00:05:17,496 the first word that pops in your head. 128 00:05:17,513 --> 00:05:18,747 Okay, it might be "sponge." Don't say "sponge." 129 00:05:18,754 --> 00:05:19,753 - Sponge! - Sponge. 130 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,132 Damn it! Focus! 131 00:05:21,545 --> 00:05:23,623 I'm sorry. Okay, let's just try it again. 132 00:05:23,634 --> 00:05:25,562 Give me a shot. Give me a shot. Give me a shot. 133 00:05:25,571 --> 00:05:26,795 I'm gonna say "sponge" one more time, first word 134 00:05:26,803 --> 00:05:28,879 that pops into your head. Ready? One, two, three, sponge. 135 00:05:28,889 --> 00:05:30,559 Sponge. Aah! 136 00:05:30,568 --> 00:05:32,835 - Winston! - Sorry. So much pressure, man. 137 00:05:32,846 --> 00:05:34,910 Okay, you know what? Let's move on to Coach. 138 00:05:34,921 --> 00:05:37,092 Coach, here we go. You're the man of the group. 139 00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:38,999 You should be good at this. We're selling sponges to men. 140 00:05:39,009 --> 00:05:40,542 Ready, one, two, three, sponge. 141 00:05:40,550 --> 00:05:42,865 - Sponge. - Why would you say that? 142 00:05:42,877 --> 00:05:45,070 - Okay, okay, okay. - Okay, come on, come on. Sponge. 143 00:05:45,081 --> 00:05:46,681 - Cake. - What? 144 00:05:46,957 --> 00:05:49,357 - Cake. No! - Sponge cake. 145 00:05:49,369 --> 00:05:51,440 We all know that men are idiots. 146 00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:54,369 How long have you been in my office? 147 00:05:54,377 --> 00:05:58,414 But what we don't know is how much they love to clean. 148 00:05:58,433 --> 00:05:59,666 You're wasting my time, Schmidt. Go. 149 00:05:59,673 --> 00:06:01,373 Come on, Gina, you have to give me this account. 150 00:06:01,382 --> 00:06:04,013 They want to market sponges to men. I'm the only man in the office. 151 00:06:04,026 --> 00:06:06,962 Oh, speaking of. Sherri, you got the sponge account! 152 00:06:06,976 --> 00:06:08,310 Touchdown! Yeah. 153 00:06:09,399 --> 00:06:10,598 Just hear me out here. 154 00:06:10,605 --> 00:06:13,794 The reason why men don't talk about how much they love to clean is 155 00:06:13,809 --> 00:06:15,420 because they're afraid to admit it. 156 00:06:15,428 --> 00:06:19,461 Give me a chance here. Be the one to put Schmidt on the map. 157 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,291 Let's blast America right in the face with a little bit of Schmidt. 158 00:06:22,305 --> 00:06:24,701 Oh! God in heaven! Fine! 159 00:06:24,713 --> 00:06:28,039 - Put together a focus group, okay? - I will do that. This is exciting. 160 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:30,552 - All right. Maybe next week we'll start it? - No. Today, 3:00. 161 00:06:30,565 --> 00:06:32,032 Today... today at 3:00? 162 00:06:32,557 --> 00:06:33,759 - Today at 3:00? - Mm-hmm. 163 00:06:33,766 --> 00:06:35,865 3:00 today... that sounds great. 164 00:06:35,875 --> 00:06:37,154 I love that idea. 165 00:06:37,162 --> 00:06:39,296 Mm-hmm, you just... you just earned a special thank you 166 00:06:39,307 --> 00:06:40,707 in my autobiography. 167 00:06:40,714 --> 00:06:43,721 Working title: Punting the Sweet Fantastic. 168 00:06:44,355 --> 00:06:47,627 I feel like you kind of have to do something to write a book about yourself. 169 00:06:50,063 --> 00:06:51,429 Sports! 170 00:06:51,436 --> 00:06:52,435 (screams) 171 00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:55,875 Oh, it's just so great to see you guys again. 172 00:06:55,886 --> 00:06:57,134 Will you please remind me? 173 00:06:57,141 --> 00:07:00,131 Were you there my first senior year or my second? 174 00:07:00,145 --> 00:07:03,346 - I was not good at high school. - (Bob and Ashley laugh) 175 00:07:03,361 --> 00:07:05,055 Oh, the early 2000s. 176 00:07:05,064 --> 00:07:06,718 God, I did so much E. 177 00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:09,639 Just doing E, watching that show Ed. 178 00:07:09,653 --> 00:07:12,690 I would love to know how you two lovers met. 179 00:07:12,705 --> 00:07:16,336 - Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, sure. - Okay, so I was listening 180 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,749 - to him sing with his band, The Co-Pays. - Yeah, well... 181 00:07:18,761 --> 00:07:21,579 - I didn't know you were in a band, Dad. - Yeah, just... just me 182 00:07:21,592 --> 00:07:22,896 and a few other pharmacists. 183 00:07:22,904 --> 00:07:24,684 You know, we do alt rock covers. 184 00:07:24,693 --> 00:07:27,680 Oh, man, when he started singing "She's So High"... 185 00:07:27,694 --> 00:07:33,522 She's so high... 186 00:07:33,549 --> 00:07:36,326 Stop. Because I'm gonna fall in love again. 187 00:07:36,844 --> 00:07:41,060 - Okay, go, I want to. - She's so high... 188 00:07:41,079 --> 00:07:42,028 ASHLEY (sighs): Oh. 189 00:07:43,072 --> 00:07:46,187 Oh, man. That was it. I was done. 190 00:07:46,202 --> 00:07:48,357 Ashley, have you kept in touch with our DARE officer? 191 00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:52,505 - Oh! Cece. - Oh. Okay, I... I get it. 192 00:07:52,525 --> 00:07:55,273 You guys heard about that rumor that I had sex with the DARE officer? 193 00:07:55,286 --> 00:07:58,870 - No! Only a crazy person... - That rumor was true. 194 00:07:58,887 --> 00:07:59,820 (stammers) 195 00:08:00,510 --> 00:08:03,391 - Crazy fun person. - Oh, yeah, that guy. 196 00:08:03,405 --> 00:08:06,749 - Wow, I did not just say no. I said yes. - Oh, yeah. 197 00:08:06,765 --> 00:08:09,933 - I just said, "Yes, yes, yes." - Oh, she said yes a lot. 198 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,649 (laughs) She's had sex with hundreds of guys. 199 00:08:12,662 --> 00:08:14,425 Yeah. You know, we spent some time trying 200 00:08:14,435 --> 00:08:16,348 - to total them all up. - It was fun. 201 00:08:16,357 --> 00:08:18,753 - Killed a whole Saturday. Yeah. - We couldn't even get through the list. 202 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:21,052 - We got to the "Ls." - (laughs) 203 00:08:21,064 --> 00:08:22,867 But that was in the past. 204 00:08:22,876 --> 00:08:25,655 And then I was diagnosed with a sex addiction. 205 00:08:25,669 --> 00:08:27,034 - Oh, great. - Thankfully, 206 00:08:27,041 --> 00:08:28,781 I attended rehab. 207 00:08:28,791 --> 00:08:31,563 Which... did not take the first time. 208 00:08:31,576 --> 00:08:33,201 - Or the second. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 209 00:08:33,210 --> 00:08:34,929 But third time's the charm. 210 00:08:35,302 --> 00:08:36,675 For a lot of people. Not for me. 211 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,308 For me, it took four. Four times. 212 00:08:39,169 --> 00:08:41,089 Well, Bobby, we should get ready to go to the beach. 213 00:08:41,099 --> 00:08:42,162 - Okay. - Yeah. 214 00:08:42,169 --> 00:08:45,024 Thank you so much for this delicious brunch, Jess. 215 00:08:45,037 --> 00:08:46,090 It was wonderful. 216 00:08:46,097 --> 00:08:49,360 I ate so much, I'm gonna have to bang nine guys just to work it off. (laughs) 217 00:08:49,375 --> 00:08:50,711 - Oh, my goodness. - (Bob laughs) 218 00:08:50,719 --> 00:08:52,668 I'm kidding. I did do that once, 219 00:08:52,678 --> 00:08:53,926 but I'm not gonna do it this time. 220 00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,384 It's all in the past for me. 221 00:08:55,392 --> 00:08:56,633 Isn't she great? 222 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,435 I just love her. 223 00:08:58,444 --> 00:09:01,559 - She makes me laugh so much. - (groaning) 224 00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:03,962 What? What... what, are you humming? 225 00:09:03,974 --> 00:09:07,183 Mm... Dad, just so we have this conversation... 226 00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:08,159 - No, no, Jess. - She seems like the 227 00:09:08,165 --> 00:09:09,646 type of girl who might hurt you. 228 00:09:09,655 --> 00:09:11,733 - Jessica... - I've seen you get hurt by a lot less. 229 00:09:11,743 --> 00:09:13,676 Please, don't... don't go there. 230 00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:16,874 No matter what you say, you're not gonna change my mind. 231 00:09:17,355 --> 00:09:20,489 I'm in love with her, and I'm gonna marry her. 232 00:09:23,307 --> 00:09:25,554 Gonna... get a new mom, Jess. 233 00:09:26,505 --> 00:09:31,800 BOB: She's so high... 234 00:09:31,824 --> 00:09:34,650 Hey, are you okay? Because I am not sure if you heard that, 235 00:09:34,663 --> 00:09:36,497 but there is going to be a wedding. 236 00:09:36,507 --> 00:09:37,890 Oh... 237 00:09:38,789 --> 00:09:41,367 there will be no wedding. 238 00:09:42,931 --> 00:09:45,250 And it begins. 239 00:09:45,865 --> 00:09:48,043 Why are we meeting in a parking garage? 240 00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:50,231 Because what we are doing is unsavory 241 00:09:50,242 --> 00:09:51,623 - and we're hiding from God. - And you also... 242 00:09:51,631 --> 00:09:53,395 you promised Winston and everybody pizza, so... 243 00:09:53,404 --> 00:09:54,363 Yeah, you definitely did. 244 00:09:54,369 --> 00:09:56,828 - Yes, there'll be pizza. - Just do one thing for me first. 245 00:09:56,841 --> 00:09:58,208 Here, memorize these. 246 00:09:58,545 --> 00:10:00,650 That's yours. That's yours. 247 00:10:00,660 --> 00:10:04,026 "I love sponges because they connect my heart to my hand." 248 00:10:04,042 --> 00:10:05,682 Look, I had to scramble, you guys. 249 00:10:06,003 --> 00:10:08,071 I told my bosses how much men love to clean. 250 00:10:08,082 --> 00:10:09,697 - What are talking about? - Only you. 251 00:10:09,705 --> 00:10:11,406 - Yeah, only... - Yeah. I know! 252 00:10:11,415 --> 00:10:13,109 Why do you think I'm rigging this focus group? 253 00:10:13,118 --> 00:10:16,577 "Sponges make me feel more exhilarated 254 00:10:16,594 --> 00:10:19,701 than any home run or touchdown ever could." 255 00:10:19,716 --> 00:10:22,652 This is ridiculous, man. I'm out! 256 00:10:22,666 --> 00:10:24,804 I can buy my own pizza. 257 00:10:24,814 --> 00:10:27,226 Can somebody please loan me $15? 258 00:10:27,238 --> 00:10:30,338 Maybe like 20, 25, depending on toppings, 'cause I'd love to get a bunch of ham. 259 00:10:30,353 --> 00:10:32,155 - Ham. What about the tip, dude? - What about tip? 260 00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,462 I don't give tips. It's for delivery. You don't tip delivery people, ever. 261 00:10:34,473 --> 00:10:37,227 - You definitely tip delivery people, but... - Guys. Guys. 262 00:10:37,241 --> 00:10:40,255 I get sponges, this solves all our problems. Okay? 263 00:10:40,269 --> 00:10:43,415 I make more money, Nick gets his room back, I get my life back on track. 264 00:10:43,430 --> 00:10:45,288 Punting the Sweet Fantastic. 265 00:10:45,298 --> 00:10:47,389 For the last time, Schmidt, that doesn't mean anything! 266 00:10:47,399 --> 00:10:50,397 Fine. But I'm gonna need one hour in a quiet room to get into character. 267 00:10:50,412 --> 00:10:51,699 - No. - Right on. 268 00:10:51,706 --> 00:10:54,537 After long and thoughtful and careful consideration, 269 00:10:55,401 --> 00:10:56,626 Winston is in. 270 00:10:56,633 --> 00:10:59,078 - Okay. - Assuming pizza is still on the table. 271 00:11:04,575 --> 00:11:06,007 Say "pizza" one more time, Winston. 272 00:11:06,015 --> 00:11:07,513 - No, just don't. - Just don't. 273 00:11:07,521 --> 00:11:08,988 No, we just never talked about 274 00:11:08,996 --> 00:11:10,197 - when we're gonna... - Don't. 275 00:11:10,204 --> 00:11:11,930 Just don't bring it up. He's getting really mad. 276 00:11:11,953 --> 00:11:13,866 - Like, delivery of... Say "pizza." - Say "pizza" one more time. 277 00:11:13,876 --> 00:11:15,702 - Don't say it again. - Say "pizza" again. 278 00:11:15,712 --> 00:11:17,038 - Pizza. - Say "pizza" one more time, 279 00:11:17,045 --> 00:11:18,668 - I'm gonna k... kill you! - I just thought 280 00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:20,841 maybe we'd talk about toppings, perhaps, or something. 281 00:11:23,698 --> 00:11:25,063 Not a mirror. 282 00:11:25,070 --> 00:11:26,405 Not a mirror, you idiot. 283 00:11:26,413 --> 00:11:27,613 Not a mirror. 284 00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:31,555 Sponges make me feel exhilarated more than any... 285 00:11:31,573 --> 00:11:34,829 Did you just say "sponges make me feel exhilarated"? 286 00:11:34,844 --> 00:11:36,749 (chuckles): No, no. I... I.. 287 00:11:36,759 --> 00:11:38,290 What do you think of sponges? 288 00:11:38,885 --> 00:11:41,133 - They're stupid. - That's how I feel. (laughs) 289 00:11:41,144 --> 00:11:43,118 - I mean, who cares? - Ex... That's exactly how I feel. 290 00:11:43,128 --> 00:11:44,855 What do you think of this whole place? 291 00:11:45,624 --> 00:11:47,912 - I'd rather not be here. - "Be here" is what I was about to say. 292 00:11:47,922 --> 00:11:48,772 (both laughs) 293 00:11:48,777 --> 00:11:50,400 - I'm Nick. - I'm Brittany. 294 00:11:50,408 --> 00:11:53,188 - Oh, my God, we have so much in common. - Okay. 295 00:11:53,202 --> 00:11:54,754 My dad can't marry her. 296 00:11:54,762 --> 00:11:57,143 He gets hurt in relationships with normal women. 297 00:11:57,155 --> 00:11:59,598 Yeah. He can't handle a recovering sex addict. 298 00:11:59,610 --> 00:12:01,351 - No. - What if she relapses? 299 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,154 It would crush him. It would crush his heart. 300 00:12:04,168 --> 00:12:06,112 I can't let this happen. I have to protect him. 301 00:12:06,122 --> 00:12:08,622 - So what are you gonna do? - I could write him a letter 302 00:12:08,633 --> 00:12:10,249 about my feelings. 303 00:12:10,585 --> 00:12:12,737 We... Yeah, but her phone is in her purse, 304 00:12:12,748 --> 00:12:15,664 and we could check her phone for dirt on her. 305 00:12:17,635 --> 00:12:19,401 But he hates letters. 306 00:12:19,411 --> 00:12:21,354 He always gets so frustrated opening the envelope. 307 00:12:21,364 --> 00:12:24,114 You know you want to check her phone. You know you want to. 308 00:12:24,127 --> 00:12:26,569 Cece, we're adults; we're gonna handle this like adults. 309 00:12:26,581 --> 00:12:28,610 - We're not snooping. - You're right, you're right. 310 00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:31,923 That is... that's a huge violation of privacy; you can't do that. 311 00:12:31,939 --> 00:12:33,999 Put that... What does it say? 312 00:12:34,659 --> 00:12:36,557 - It's bad. Mm. - Give that to me. 313 00:12:37,359 --> 00:12:38,427 (gasps) 314 00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:41,035 Dad, she's cheating on you! 315 00:12:41,454 --> 00:12:43,319 - What? - Yeah, just ask Jim. 316 00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:46,320 At 10:40, Jim heard she was in town. 317 00:12:46,334 --> 00:12:47,980 At 11:52, 318 00:12:47,989 --> 00:12:50,596 Jim had his hands down his pants. 319 00:12:50,609 --> 00:12:52,592 And at 11:53... 320 00:12:52,602 --> 00:12:55,816 Cumin? What, is he cooking cumin? 321 00:12:55,831 --> 00:12:57,058 (clears throat) 322 00:12:57,473 --> 00:12:58,589 Oh, my God. 323 00:12:58,596 --> 00:13:01,148 My dad is the best guy in the world, and you better 324 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,393 hit the damn road, unless you want to say hello to 325 00:13:03,404 --> 00:13:05,995 my old friends Crabtree and Evelyn. 326 00:13:06,008 --> 00:13:08,876 That's my work phone. I'm a sex therapist. 327 00:13:09,764 --> 00:13:11,140 Jim is my client. 328 00:13:11,147 --> 00:13:13,277 Your... your client? 329 00:13:13,288 --> 00:13:15,583 - Client! - Client. 330 00:13:15,594 --> 00:13:17,336 - Client. - Client. 331 00:13:18,473 --> 00:13:22,372 - Am I supposed to say "client" now? - I'm gonna go. This was clearly a mistake. 332 00:13:22,908 --> 00:13:23,974 No. 333 00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:25,080 And for the record, 334 00:13:25,087 --> 00:13:27,062 George Jiang gave me giardia. 335 00:13:27,072 --> 00:13:29,400 I saved you from a hideous river disease. 336 00:13:30,041 --> 00:13:31,475 Thank you. 337 00:13:32,551 --> 00:13:35,623 Damn it. She won't answer any of my calls. 338 00:13:35,638 --> 00:13:37,394 I left ten voice mails. 339 00:13:37,403 --> 00:13:40,229 Two of them, I'm screaming. Three, I'm crying. 340 00:13:40,243 --> 00:13:43,108 One is a long silent one. Nothing! 341 00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:44,691 And it's all your fault... both of you guys. 342 00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,384 But mostly you. 343 00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:48,524 Look, Dad, I'm so sorry. 344 00:13:48,535 --> 00:13:51,533 - Is there anything I can do... - There's nothing more that you can do. 345 00:13:51,547 --> 00:13:54,266 I... I knew this was a mistake bringing her here. 346 00:13:55,064 --> 00:13:56,441 Wait, Dad. 347 00:13:56,448 --> 00:13:58,114 (door slams) 348 00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:04,294 SCHMIDT: So, uh, why don't you tell me what you think about that sponge there, Coach. 349 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,629 I mean... (clears throat) Ernie. 350 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,537 I don't know why I would call you Coach. 351 00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:10,834 Okay. Um... (clears throat) 352 00:14:10,846 --> 00:14:12,508 Well, I love sponges 353 00:14:12,516 --> 00:14:14,998 because they connect my heart to my hand. 354 00:14:15,011 --> 00:14:17,939 - Wow, thank you so much for that. - I wish my buddies could see me now. 355 00:14:17,953 --> 00:14:19,834 - What? - They'd be all like, "Hey, man, 356 00:14:19,844 --> 00:14:21,935 let me get a hit of that squishy whip." 357 00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:24,649 Right on. Way to, uh, add your own take. 358 00:14:25,209 --> 00:14:26,957 Uh, to-to your... to your own take. 359 00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:28,589 WINSTON: You know, I... I have something I'd like to add. 360 00:14:28,598 --> 00:14:30,135 - Please. - Um, I like cleaning. 361 00:14:30,143 --> 00:14:31,907 - You like cleaning. - It is the only thing 362 00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:34,633 I can control in a world filled with chaos. 363 00:14:34,646 --> 00:14:35,894 - Thank you. - May I add, 364 00:14:35,902 --> 00:14:40,535 I am Thor, and this is my hammer, Mjolnir. 365 00:14:41,723 --> 00:14:42,916 M... Melnir. Mjolnir. 366 00:14:42,922 --> 00:14:46,186 Okay, wonderful detail. Thank you so much for that. 367 00:14:46,202 --> 00:14:48,403 Uh, how about you down there, Mayor of the Corner? 368 00:14:48,414 --> 00:14:49,357 (chuckles) 369 00:14:49,363 --> 00:14:50,799 - (pounds table) Nick. - What? 370 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,424 How does cleaning make you feel? 371 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,983 Uh, like I-I'm cleaning. Move on to somebody else, please. 372 00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,697 (quietly): Read the cards that I gave you. Remember the cards? 373 00:14:56,706 --> 00:14:58,407 - Not now. - (pounds table) Read your cards! 374 00:14:58,416 --> 00:15:00,134 You want to know what I think about your sponges?! 375 00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:02,695 (imitates farting) 376 00:15:02,707 --> 00:15:05,049 - (laughs) - (laughs) 377 00:15:05,060 --> 00:15:06,808 Well, this is clearly rigged. 378 00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:09,132 My office. Now, Schmidt. 379 00:15:09,530 --> 00:15:10,729 Schmidt... 380 00:15:12,963 --> 00:15:14,804 - Schmidt, I'm sorry. - (door closes) 381 00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:18,216 Dad. 382 00:15:19,424 --> 00:15:20,437 Thanks for waiting. 383 00:15:20,444 --> 00:15:23,427 I wasn't waiting. I just can't get this damn thing started. 384 00:15:23,441 --> 00:15:24,907 You're just pressing buttons. 385 00:15:24,915 --> 00:15:28,079 This was supposed to be a big weekend for me and Ashley. 386 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,458 I had everything planned. 387 00:15:29,466 --> 00:15:32,882 I... I even wrote new lyrics to our... our song. 388 00:15:33,505 --> 00:15:38,536 (high-pitched): Ashley, marry me... 389 00:15:42,279 --> 00:15:43,914 (engine starts) 390 00:15:43,923 --> 00:15:45,720 Y... you didn't have to do that, you know. 391 00:15:45,730 --> 00:15:47,556 I can take care of myself. 392 00:15:48,136 --> 00:15:50,962 Can you? Dad, if I hadn't 393 00:15:50,975 --> 00:15:53,309 protected you after you and Mom's divorce, 394 00:15:53,321 --> 00:15:55,452 you would've ended up with Nancy Zimmerman. 395 00:15:55,463 --> 00:15:57,930 - Oh, Nancy Zimmerman. - She was bad news, Dad. 396 00:15:57,942 --> 00:16:00,034 Ooh, v... very bad. You don't know the half of it. 397 00:16:00,044 --> 00:16:02,214 That woman made me try cocaine in 2005. 398 00:16:02,225 --> 00:16:04,496 - What, Dad?! Booger sugar? - Yes. 399 00:16:04,508 --> 00:16:05,959 Nicaraguan yazz. 400 00:16:05,967 --> 00:16:08,317 - Are you kidding me? - It was a very expensive evening. 401 00:16:08,329 --> 00:16:11,686 I wound up buying his and her Jet Skis. 402 00:16:11,701 --> 00:16:14,725 The point is I'm still standing, 403 00:16:15,305 --> 00:16:17,146 and I can take care of myself. 404 00:16:17,821 --> 00:16:20,579 Yes, I might get hurt, but that'll be my problem. 405 00:16:21,444 --> 00:16:23,944 You don't need to do it anymore, Jess. 406 00:16:24,288 --> 00:16:26,667 I should be taking care of you. 407 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:32,624 Ashley is different from any woman I've ever dated. 408 00:16:32,646 --> 00:16:34,996 She... she makes every day better. 409 00:16:35,008 --> 00:16:38,450 I... I want to spend the rest of my life with her. 410 00:16:39,683 --> 00:16:42,039 Aw, Dad, that's so sweet. 411 00:16:42,051 --> 00:16:43,868 - (car alarm chirps) - Hey! 412 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,434 Hey, Th... Ashley! 413 00:16:45,442 --> 00:16:48,035 JESS: What did she do? She went out and found a guy? 414 00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:49,448 She's gonna relapse. Um... 415 00:16:49,456 --> 00:16:51,789 Oh, we have to turn her off. Ashley... 416 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,288 - Let's turn on NPR and blare it. - Oh... 417 00:16:56,487 --> 00:16:59,252 Ashley, wait. Wait a minute. Please. Please don't do this. Please. 418 00:16:59,266 --> 00:17:02,077 JESS: Ashley, if you're gonna relapse, relapse with my dad. 419 00:17:02,653 --> 00:17:04,278 I'm not relapsing. 420 00:17:04,287 --> 00:17:06,287 This is Roy. He's my L.A. sponsor. 421 00:17:06,297 --> 00:17:08,064 BOB: This is Roy? Oh! 422 00:17:08,073 --> 00:17:10,440 You know, I... I always wanted to meet you. Hi. 423 00:17:10,452 --> 00:17:13,324 Jess, he's not a strange man. 424 00:17:13,338 --> 00:17:14,729 He's a sex addict. 425 00:17:14,736 --> 00:17:17,609 Former sex addict. Uh, current chocoholic. 426 00:17:17,982 --> 00:17:20,154 I'd be in trouble if you were black. 427 00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,358 Thank you? 428 00:17:21,525 --> 00:17:24,957 Ashley, look, I screwed up. 429 00:17:24,974 --> 00:17:26,636 I have to let my dad make mistakes. 430 00:17:26,644 --> 00:17:29,033 - Oh, I'm a mistake? - No, you are not a mistake. 431 00:17:29,045 --> 00:17:30,277 That came out wrong. 432 00:17:31,012 --> 00:17:32,160 I'm sorry, Bob. 433 00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:34,431 I never meant to come between you and your daughter. 434 00:17:34,442 --> 00:17:35,808 I love you so damn much. 435 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:39,334 You're my big, round, bald, 436 00:17:39,348 --> 00:17:40,578 fuzzy Weeble-Wobble. 437 00:17:40,585 --> 00:17:43,262 But I just... I just need a little space. 438 00:17:49,045 --> 00:17:50,366 It's not over, Dad. 439 00:17:50,883 --> 00:17:52,085 Get the ring. 440 00:17:52,092 --> 00:17:54,512 I'm sorry, Schmidt. What can I say? 441 00:17:54,524 --> 00:17:56,553 You're just not really built to play with the big girls. 442 00:17:56,563 --> 00:17:58,397 - Don't fire him! - Oh, God. 443 00:17:59,228 --> 00:18:01,064 - What the... Why? - Give him the account. 444 00:18:01,074 --> 00:18:03,932 He's a hard worker, and he's a neat freak. 445 00:18:03,946 --> 00:18:07,047 How do I know that? 'Cause I share a room with him. 446 00:18:07,062 --> 00:18:09,691 - You two share a room? - And you should see his side. 447 00:18:09,703 --> 00:18:13,092 It is so clean. It looks like the inside of a Japanese subway. 448 00:18:13,108 --> 00:18:15,820 Speaking of sharing a bedroom, Brittany's coming over tonight. 449 00:18:15,834 --> 00:18:19,016 Uh, so I'm gonna need ten to 15 minutes of privacy for... 450 00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,928 I don't need 15 minutes. That's excessive. 451 00:18:20,938 --> 00:18:22,203 Give me five to ten. 452 00:18:22,306 --> 00:18:24,706 That feels braggy. Give me three to five, 453 00:18:24,718 --> 00:18:26,784 but no less than three 'cause that's rude to girls. 454 00:18:26,795 --> 00:18:28,381 Do you really think that she's gonna have sex with you 455 00:18:28,389 --> 00:18:30,903 - in that pulp-covered filth bunker? - I'll throw a tarp down. 456 00:18:30,916 --> 00:18:32,305 - Oh, God. - SCHMIDT: What if she's turned off 457 00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,177 by the mess? What if she's turned off by... 458 00:18:37,496 --> 00:18:39,254 What if she's turned off by the mess? 459 00:18:39,263 --> 00:18:41,081 Hey, Gina, why don't you hear me out here for a second. 460 00:18:41,090 --> 00:18:42,596 - That's all right. - If Nick cleans his room 461 00:18:42,605 --> 00:18:45,171 before Brittany comes over, he might get laid. 462 00:18:45,183 --> 00:18:46,956 I don't know. It seems like a lot of work. 463 00:18:46,966 --> 00:18:48,558 Not with the right tool. 464 00:18:48,566 --> 00:18:50,892 We open up on a modern man 465 00:18:50,904 --> 00:18:52,713 with a nose that only America could love. 466 00:18:52,722 --> 00:18:55,073 This might seem obvious, but what side does the dirty stuff go on? 467 00:18:55,085 --> 00:18:58,452 He doesn't know a lot, but he's about to discover the ultimate wingman. 468 00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:00,934 NICK: I bet this side is really good for tough areas. 469 00:19:00,946 --> 00:19:02,350 The Man Sponge. 470 00:19:03,108 --> 00:19:05,075 Because the dirtiest thing in your room... 471 00:19:05,085 --> 00:19:06,785 Probably be her. (chuckles) 472 00:19:06,827 --> 00:19:09,895 - Yay. We're doing a pitch. - Yeah. (chuckles) 473 00:19:10,624 --> 00:19:13,499 I... can't believe I'm saying this, 474 00:19:14,428 --> 00:19:15,465 but I like it. 475 00:19:15,472 --> 00:19:17,603 All right, you get the sponge account, Schmidt. 476 00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:19,143 Sponges. We got sponges. 477 00:19:19,151 --> 00:19:20,623 We got sponges. We got sponges. We got sponges. 478 00:19:21,387 --> 00:19:22,200 JESS: Wait! 479 00:19:22,205 --> 00:19:24,827 Ashley! My dad loves you! 480 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,085 No matter what! Wait! 481 00:19:26,092 --> 00:19:28,203 Ashley... 482 00:19:28,214 --> 00:19:30,013 On your right! Left side! On your right. On your left. 483 00:19:30,023 --> 00:19:31,561 (Jess whimpering) 484 00:19:31,569 --> 00:19:32,772 On your right! Left! 485 00:19:32,779 --> 00:19:34,111 Right! Bread and butter. 486 00:19:34,118 --> 00:19:35,317 On your left. On your right. 487 00:19:35,324 --> 00:19:36,638 (Jess continues whimpering) 488 00:19:36,646 --> 00:19:37,612 Oh, my God! 489 00:19:37,618 --> 00:19:38,852 Left side! Left side! 490 00:19:40,098 --> 00:19:42,415 - Ashl... - On your right! 491 00:19:42,427 --> 00:19:43,169 BOB: Jess! 492 00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:45,747 - Jess, baby, baby, are you okay? - Oh. 493 00:19:45,759 --> 00:19:48,560 You... Here, come on, come on. Let's get you to a hospital. Yeah. Yes. 494 00:19:48,574 --> 00:19:50,241 - Oh, my God! Is she okay? - I don't know. 495 00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:51,315 I mean, are you okay? 496 00:19:51,321 --> 00:19:52,783 You need to do it now, Dad, 497 00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:54,924 before we get flattened by a parade. Come on. 498 00:19:58,487 --> 00:20:01,759 Ashley... will you marry me? 499 00:20:02,141 --> 00:20:04,944 And be the stepmom to a very crazy 500 00:20:04,957 --> 00:20:08,025 but... but very lovable woman? 501 00:20:08,612 --> 00:20:10,242 (chuckles): Yes. 502 00:20:10,589 --> 00:20:12,323 Yes. Yes! 503 00:20:13,216 --> 00:20:14,448 Oh, yes! 504 00:20:15,125 --> 00:20:17,926 Jess, you're my little girl now. 505 00:20:17,940 --> 00:20:19,206 Oh, Jess. 506 00:20:19,213 --> 00:20:21,147 You go to your room. (laughs): I'm just kidding. 507 00:20:21,157 --> 00:20:24,258 I'm kidding. But you should go to a-a hospital. 508 00:20:25,528 --> 00:20:28,627 Here's to attending a wedding with everyone from high school 509 00:20:28,642 --> 00:20:30,575 and my dad's side of the family. 510 00:20:30,585 --> 00:20:32,622 It's gonna be great. It's like going to prom 511 00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:34,165 - with all my dad's friends. - NICK: Hear, hear! 512 00:20:34,173 --> 00:20:35,172 (cheering) 513 00:20:35,178 --> 00:20:36,791 Oh. Oh. 514 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:37,966 - No, no, no, no. - Don't worry, don't worry. 515 00:20:37,973 --> 00:20:39,406 I got it. I got it. I'll just clean it. 516 00:20:39,897 --> 00:20:41,130 COACH: Dude, there's a sponge 517 00:20:41,137 --> 00:20:42,801 - in your hand. - SCHMIDT: No, let him go. 518 00:20:42,810 --> 00:20:44,730 He's my inspiration. You know, living with him 519 00:20:44,740 --> 00:20:47,917 in that slovenly hellhole has been a secret blessing. 520 00:20:47,932 --> 00:20:48,898 It's made me stronger. 521 00:20:48,904 --> 00:20:52,039 Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up. 522 00:20:52,276 --> 00:20:56,065 - I am a phoenix, and I will rise. - He usually says that speech before sex. 523 00:20:56,082 --> 00:20:57,916 By 2015, I will have my own room. 524 00:20:58,304 --> 00:20:59,823 And by 2016... 525 00:21:02,754 --> 00:21:04,113 - COACH: What is he looking at? - I don't know. 526 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,287 - ... I will be a millionaire. - (all groaning) 527 00:21:06,696 --> 00:21:09,196 (piano playing gentle music) 528 00:21:20,248 --> 00:21:21,881 (gasps) 529 00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,840 Spongey make wipey. 530 00:21:24,304 --> 00:21:26,371 ANNOUNCER: The Man Sponge. 531 00:21:26,382 --> 00:21:29,015 Because the dirtiest thing in your room... 532 00:21:29,028 --> 00:21:30,432 Should be me. 533 00:21:32,256 --> 00:21:35,557 Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. 534 00:21:35,607 --> 00:21:40,157 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0